Monopoly Tokens, Ranked

Marge Simpson: Why don't we play Monopoly?
Lisa Simpson: Which version? We've got Star Wars Monopoly, Rasta Monopoly, Galipolopoly, Edna Krabappoly.
Marge Simpson: Let's stick to original Monopoly. The game is crazy enough as it is. How can an iron be a landlord?
              - The Simpsons, "Brawl in the Family"

That's why I like Monopoly. Because it's fun and easy to satirize. Recently Monopoly added T-Rex, Penguin, and Rubber Duck tokens to the game, making me all the more happy the version we own is a 1997 edition. After I started up a game with my father and younger brother last night (that ended with me collecting all the yellows), I decided to write this post. Here are my thoughts on Monopoly tokens, all in one post.

Monopoly Tokens, Ranked:

1. The car. Although none of the tokens can technically be landlords (as Marge Simpson so helpfully pointed out), with the car I can zoom all over the board. Plus, a car can destroy most of the other tokens with its aggressive power. Only last night, my little brother, who's 11, took the car first.

2. The cannon. I'll put it this way: There should be a Chance card saying, "If you are the cannon, blow all the houses/hotels on another player's property off the board."

3. The thimble. It works just like a real thimble. Enough said.

4. The dog. A dog may have enough character to think, but not enough to assume ownership of even inexpensive Baltic Avenue. I used the dog the last time I played, and it's gotten me all the yellow spaces, but I'm left with only $324.

5. The hat. Your finger can wear the hat. It looks cute when you do that. Once I played as the dog, wearing the hat. I wonder if anyone ever thought of that before.

6. The battleship. But so many people think it's a factory.

7. The iron. Don't touch the iron. It's hot. Don't touch or mess with States Avenue if the iron owns it, either.

8. The boot. I will kick your hotel off Tennessee Avenue and you will have to pay to get it back!

9. The wheelbarrow. Tips over a lot.

10. The statue. I believe it's Paul Revere.

11. The new tokens. "My T-Rex is way cooler than your penguin! I can stomp all over the Boardwalk! I can stomp on all your houses and hotels and rule the world!" That is not the way Monopoly has to go.

More Monopoly Facts:

1. The names of the properties are based on Atlantic City, New Jersey.

2. There's no such place as Marvin Gardens. There is such a place as Marven Gardens, though. Apparently, it was a typo that never got corrected.

3. The real Illinois Avenue doesn't exist anymore. It was renamed Martin Luther King Jr. Avenue in the 90s back when the country made a law that every city over a certain population had to have at least one street named after MLK.

4. Only two of the railroads are legit. The B&O never served Atlantic City, and there's no such thing as the Short Line Railroad.

5. There are many, many editions of Monopoly, but my favorite has to be the Simpsons edition. Or the Star Wars edition. Or my very own Universal Orlando edition. Worst ever? One Direction-opoly, and you can see why.