(The letters in “Jeopardy” appear one by one on the screen. We cut to the studio. Will Ferrell as Alex Trebek stands at a podium. Three impersonators, dressed as contestants, stand at podiums opposite him.)
TREBEK: Welcome back to a special celebrities-under-25 edition of...Celebrity Jeopardy! Before we begin, I’d like to point out that our former contestant Sean Connery has recently passed. This is good news for me, but we still have heavy security aimed at keeping out his ghost. That said, let’s take a look at the scores.
(Cam on impersonator dressed as Kylie Rogers.)
TREBEK: Kylie Rogers is in first place with 600 dollars, having buzzed in over 100 times but only answering correctly twice.
ROGERS: I like the sound of the buzzer. (hits it)
TREBEK: You have to answer questions when you buzz in.
ROGERS: No, I don’t. I just wanna hear the buzzer. (hits it again.)
TREBEK: No, you don’t. Moving on.
(Cam on impersonator dressed as Darci Lynne Farmer.)
TREBEK: Darci Lynne Farmer is in last place with negative 5,400 dollars, having never answered a single question correctly, and only buzzed in to complain about the fact that we confiscated her ventriloquist puppet before we started filming.
FARMER: (emotionally) Well, you know...each puppet I have represents a specific part of me, and I’m only me when I’m with my puppets. We go together, and -
TREBEK: Moving on!
(Cam on impersonator dressed as myself.)
TREBEK: Finally, Leo Finelli, the screenwriter, is in second with negative 3,000 dollars, and has only just returned to his podium after watching the commercials during the break. You look inspired. I am not surprised, considering you just watched a bunch of commercials.
ME: Commercials give me the inspiration I need to write my screenplays, and...hee hee hee hee.
TREBEK: Do you laugh like that whenever you are inspired?
ME: No comment.
TREBEK: But you are always that giddy.
ME: Yes, I do believe I am.
TREBEK: That’s nice. Let’s take a look at the Double Jeopardy board. And your categories are: “Potent Potables”, “New Jersey”, “Continents”, and...considering Mr. Finelli did not do well with our first-round category of “Feminist Christmas Specials Inspired by Commercials”, which we included specifically for him, we have made easier categories for the three of you: “Teen Actresses Named Kylie”, “Famous Ventriloquists”, and “Screenwriters in Their 20s.” Miss Farmer, you have control of the board. May I suggest “Famous Ventriloquists”?
FARMER: No, I’ll take “Continents” for $1600, Alex.
TREBEK: Okay then. And the answer is: “This continent is north of South America.”
TREBEK: It’s the continent you’re on right now. Do you know the continent you’re on right now?
(Awkward silence again.)
TREBEK: This continent is north of South America. North of South America. No one can figure out the name of the continent north of South America?!
(Kylie Rogers buzzes in.)
TREBEK: Yes, Miss Rogers?
ROGERS: I’ve been to South America. I saw Mount Biggie President Heads.
TREBEK: Your facts are so wrong I do not know where to start. The correct answer was North America. North America is north of South America. Miss Farmer, you still have control of the board.
FARMER: Can my puppet pick this time?
TREBEK: No! Why don’t you pick a category, Mr. Finelli?
ME: Finally. I’ll take the vent thing for a zillion.
TREBEK: That’s “Famous Ventriloquists” for $1200. And the answer is: “She is the only person in this room who can sing with her mouth closed.”
(Kylie Rogers buzzes in.)
ROGERS: Who is, uh, Alex Trebek?
TREBEK: Good Lord! I am not a “she” and I can’t even sing with my mouth open.
(I buzz in.)
ME: I can sing with my mouth open. “Like a small boat, on the ocean…”
(Kylie Rogers buzzes in.)
ROGERS: Wasn’t that song from a flick I made?
(Darci Lynne Farmer buzzes in.)
TREBEK: What, Miss Farmer?
FARMER: What was the clue again?
TREBEK: We were looking for the name of the only person in this room that can sing with their mouth closed.
FARMER: Who am I?
TREBEK: That is correct!
FARMER: No, seriously, who am I?
TREBEK: You’re Darci. You’re trying to win. You just won some money.
FARMER: I did?
TREBEK: Please, God, take me now. (to camera) We’re going to skip ahead to Final Jeopardy. And the category is… “Write Your Name.”
(Think music begins.)
TREBEK: Please turn your attention to the game board. We have displayed each of your names on the board. Just copy down what you see.
(We see the board. The names “Kylie”, “Darci,” and “Leo” are displayed on it.)
(All the contestants are seen one by one, writing something down.)
(Think music ends.)
TREBEK: Okay, let’s see how you managed to mess this one up. Kylie Rogers, what did you write down?
(We see what Kylie has written.)
TREBEK: You had to write your name, and you wrote: “What did I have to write again?”, which, strangely, is incorrect but even harder to write than your name. And you wagered: “My clothing.” You know what, keep your wager. We’ll mark it as correct. We’re not taking away your clothing. Now, Miss Farmer, what did you write?
(We see what Darci has written.)
TREBEK: You wrote down: “Can I have my puppets back now?” No, Miss Farmer, we’re going to have to check on Leo Finelli’s answer and see your wager. You wagered: “If you don’t give them back, my agent will sue your show.”
Okay then. Now, we just have to see what Leo Finelli wrote. Did he write his name?
(We see what I wrote.)
TREBEK: Mr. Finelli has somehow managed to paste an entire screenplay he wrote as his answer.
ME: It’s a feminist Christmas special based on a TV commercial.
TREBEK: Everything you write is. Now, let’s just see what you wagered.
(We see my wager.)
TREBEK: You wrote: “Do you like it?” No, I do not. That’s all the time we have for tonight.
OFFSTAGE VOICE WITH A SCOTTISH ACCENT: That’s not what your mother said last night.
(A slightly transparent specter of Sean Connery has entered the scene.)
TREBEK: (to camera) It seems Sean Connery’s ghost has breached our security. Please exit, my good friend.
CONNERY: That’s not what your mother said last night.
TREBEK: Mr. Connery, the show is over.
CONNERY: That’s not what your -
TREBEK: You leave me with no choice.
(A security woman with an ax runs in and smashes the camera. The screen goes staticy.)
FARMER’S VOICE: (slightly muffled) You’re gonna get sued.