Rants and raves from down south

About a month ago, I was in Columbia, South Carolina, where I am originally from, where I discovered a local newspaper called "The Free Times." Instead of a traditional letters-to-the-editor section, the paper featured a column entitled "Rant and Rave." The February edition of the paper featured the following "Rant and Rave" blurbs from people around the Columbia metropolitan area. I have picked the funniest to make all of you laugh.

  • "I told my friend she should do dope."
  • "The Kelley Blue Book isn't a real book."
  • "This is for the sweaty guy who worked his way down a row of five machines last Monday at Planet Fitness at Dutch Square: Clean your ****ing machines. And to the two women who sweated it out Sunday morning on the track machines under Fox News: Wipe down your ****ing machines."
  • "Saw your article about Fat Rat the Czar. I bet he'd sell more records with a better rap name. The kids don't like fat rats or czars. What about 'Human Being Whose Height and Weight are Proportional the Comptroller?" Apologies if there's already a rapper with that name."
  • "Great investigative reporting on Tameika Isaac Devine's legal work on Richland One's bonds. Imagine my surprise reading this in the very same publication that produced a puff piece on Mrs. Devine less than a year ago."
  • "I will no longer read Kevin Fisher's column since he said that the president did nothing wrong and did not deserve to be impeached. Oh, you say he didn't say that? He said the impeachment trial ended as it should have. What is the difference? I am so sick of you middle-of-the-road morons not wanting to offend anyone. If I see Kevin in Tony's Pizza I am going to tell him what a ***** he is for siding with the right. If space permitted I could take his column apart and show him how wrong he is in the points he makes. Righty is the one out to destroy the Dems with lies and BS. This has been going on since Nixon resigned. You are a righty Kevin, why not admit it?"
  • "We mourn for the Cayce girl who was found dead after an intensive search. But when a girl or woman disappears who is Latina or Asian or Black, let's please be sure you activate the same vigorous law enforcement response. RIP Faye."
  • "This is Figaro. What's it going to take to get me a chicken sandwich? Don't be a jerk-off."
  • "This is B.G., the Blind Guy. With Blue Granite Water, don't you see what they are doing? This is a company from the central region of our nation. You think they care about the water in South Carolina? They'll get a blond-haired, blue-eyed devil to come speak at the hearing and pretend the company cares about South Carolina. Don't be fooled. They don't give a ****."
  • "The solution to clean water is hemp. The solution to plastic bags is hemp. Rivers and streams can be cleaned up by hemp. Gather your hemp seeds. Hemp is a purifier."
  • "So, South Carolina is looking to Mississippi as a model to improve our anemic education system. Isn't this the education system, along with South Carolina and Alabama, that always ranks in the bottom three of everything? Our legislature has never set its sights high enough, regarding our schools or anything else for that matter, and once again they are working on a solution from the bottom up. Because that's where their heads are. Up their bottoms."
  • "Where is our world going? When did we start trusting in groundhogs rather than God Almighty?"
  • "Donald Trump has a mandate for the coming election. Actually he has two man dates: Putin and Erdogan."
  • "I read that Franklin Graham was concerned about the example Jennifer Lopez and Shakira set with their performance at halftime of the Super Bowl. Yet he supports a president who talks of ****ing women in the ******, was unfaithful to multiple wives, had a child with his second wife before they were married and paid a large sum of money to keep a woman quiet about their having ***. What an example Trump is setting, huh, Mr. Graham?"
  • "Can someone find out what Trump has on Lindsey Graham? It has got to be a doozy."
  • "The pizza delivery man had a sign on the back of his truck that said, 'Drivers carry a lot of dough, but no cash.'"
  • "It was very unselfish and touching hearing Trump say how he hated for his family to go through the impeachment hearing. What about his first wife's feelings when he took his next wife on a skiing vacation?"
  • "People who are offended by everyone are really starting to offend me."

CLOSING QUESTION (Leave your answers in the comments)

Have you ever had a moment when you noticed how funny regular people could be in everyday conversation?

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